2023 - Courage + Bravery

Courage is not the absence of fear or difficult emotions, it’s the ability to acknowledge them & instead of running the other way, you move into them so you can move through them.🙏🏼

During my meditation, the instructor said:

“You have the strength to move into & through, do not doubt yourself. Inhale courage. Exhale doubt.”

Think about it - everything we do or don’t do in life is a because of how it will make us feel.

What if you knew you could handle any emotion that came your way?

What new risks would you take?

What would you do that you have been afraid to do?

How would you show up differently in your life?

I don’t do resolutions anymore. I do words.

Do you have a word for 2023?

Hello? Is it me you're looking for...

I mean, if you are here, on this page, one would assume you are looking for me.

It has been a minute, huh?

Wanna hear the craziest thing that has happened since you last heard from me?
Ok, I will tell you.
WE MOVED BACK HOME!

SAY WHAT?!?!
Yes, we did. And it feels good to be back.

At the corner of Ashley & Yolo near our home in California.

If you hadn’t taken it away from previous blog posts - the move was HARD AF.
It took a toll on me. I was NOT myself. It just didn’t fit into how or where I envisioned raising my kids.
And ultimately Aaron realized it was not where he wanted to be either.
It was not a good fit for us.

So here we are, back in MO! The kids are both back in their previous schools and doing well.
Everyone is feeling the benefits of being home.

Even though I didn’t come home to “my” home - I am NEARBY (like drive past my old house to get out of the neighborhood kind of close) - in a rental as we build a new home.

There is something about home that has gravity.
When you are out of alignment with what you value & know is best in your core - your mind + body will send you plenty of signals. If you listen closely & it will guide you right where you belong.

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I will be slowly getting back into my groove with my blog but as always, I typically don’t miss a day over on social media.

As far as coaching goes - I am shifting my offer stay tuned for more on that!

Bitchface (I'm gonna trademark that one)...

BITCHFACE!

That is my new name for my INNER CRITIC. We all have one. The voice in your head that loves to feed you bullshit & negative opinions.

Look, we can’t get rid of bitchface completely (I am going to assume that those of you who are my people will now lovingly refer to your inner critic as bitchface from here on out) - but we CAN learn how to manage it.

When my amazing photographer sent me this pic, bitchface came out in FULL force.

This has NOTHING to do with my photographer or her mad skills behind the lens but everything to do with the lens through which I was choosing to think of myself in this particular shot.

The thoughts that ran through my mind were not so nice…

“Could you be any less natural in front of the camera.”

“Your hair is a mess.”

“Why can’t you look like the other badass biz woman you see in pics?!”

Think about it, our brains are NOT used to looking at pictures of ourselves & finding all the ways we look amazing. That’s NOT natural. In fact, it feels way easier hate on ourselves.

So what do you do when bitchface comes at you with her “evil” vibes?!

1. Awareness. Get curious. What does your inner critic say most often? Is this thought based on a fact or just bs? Where did thought this come from?

2. Acknowledge. No more trying to push it down & ignore it. How is bitchface trying to protect you by feeding you with these thoughts?

For me: deep down, she didn’t want OTHER people to SEE what I was thinking about myself. She was trying to protect me from potential shame or embarrassment.

3. “I hear you, thanks for your OPINION but no thanks.”

For me it was: “I hear you bitchface but I am not believing any of that nonsense about me today. Today I choose to believe that my smile looks amazing, my eyelashes are on point & I rocked my first ever solo photoshoot as an entrepreneur.”

4. Compassion! How else can you view yourself or whatever your brain is feeding you from a more compassionate perspective?

5. Take action from your higher self - the one who really knows what’s up & wants what is best for you.

This isn’t a fool proof practice. Even someone who DOES the work will still have thoughts that creep in…that does not mean anything is wrong with you. You are NOT broken. You do NOT need to be fixed. It means you are human. Remember, just because you have a thought, DOES NOT MAKE IT TRUE!

Loss, Grief & Mourning in a Move

A few weeks ago both kids were gone at the same time for camp - I had a call with my coach, we chatted about grief. And moving. During our call, I realized I had been going nonstop for over a month with ZERO time to sit down & truly process the move. Or the fact that I never got to say BYE to or grieve the loss of my “forever” home. YES - it is a thing.

You Can’t Say Hello to the New Until You First Say Goodbye to the Old

I never walked slowly room to room in our home & spent time soaking in that it would be my last time. I BRIEFLY walked down to my gym on our final night but let’s just I didn’t do it how I wanted to. So it was like I didn’t give myself the closure I wanted.

So after my call, I closed my eyes & walked myself through my home.

I sat at the table, in silence. And I visualized movie nights in the basement. Friends or family hanging out at our bar. Kids from the cul-de-sac running all over, making a mess. My wood panel wall with my Christmas decor up (my favorite). Watching TV on the patio. And then I visualized myself walking into every room to say goodbye. Of course, I also envisioned myself doing another workout in the gym. And I let the tears flow.

But it wasn’t until that moment that I think I really started to accept the grief & start to mourn what I left behind.

Grief is defined as the conflicting feelings caused by the change of, or the end in, a familiar pattern of behavior.

Often grief is only associated with death but you can grieve the loss of a relationship or even a life changing circumstance.

So what is helping me continue to process the grief since visualizing my “goodbye” to 31 Countryshire?

I’m aware of my thoughts.

Give myself permission to feel the feels from said thoughts.

I don’t tell myself I shouldn’t be sad over a home or the future I envisioned in that home. Or my gym-office (IYKYK).

I allow it. I give myself a chance to experience it vs pushing it away.

This gives ME some control over my emotions versus letting my emotions control me.

I know that no matter what the circumstance is, in this case, a new home in California - I choose my thoughts. If I accept the way it is now versus try to push it down or argue with what is - I suffer less. Do not confuse accepting the way it is with not feeling all the feels - accepting it IS feeling it but also not creating additional suffering with resisting the new current reality.

Acceptance looks like bringing it back to the present: This IS my home right now.

People often say time helps you move on but I am going to say that yes, that MAY be true but also, what if…what if it isn’t the amount of time that passes but it is what we choose to do with that time? What we choose to THINK during that time. Sure time passes. But the time doesn’t change anything, it is our thinking over time that changes.

1 Month in Cali

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It has been month.

1 month since we got on a plane & said peace out STL, hello California.

And it has been THE LONGEST MONTH EVER.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about going home.

I literally have dreams about our house in STL.

Or about the new family in “my home.”

For real, I had a dream that they were doing a Lego themed bathroom designed by my previous employer & that they put an enclosed patio on the side of the house.

I have waves of thoughts that my brain LOVES to offer me….

“When is this over, I am done with vacation now.”

“WTF was I thinking?!”

“I am sick of being with my family.”

“People say this is good for your marriage…HOW?!”

“I wonder what would happen if I just got in my car & drove home.”

And then I have these weird moments that feel REAL AF & I picture us pulling into our home in St. Louis like nothing changed. Literally, as I was packing us up from the hotel at Disneyland, I had a moment where I forgot that the home I am going to is not the one I was envisioning.

THIS is my home right now.

But I am still grieving all that I left behind & had thought “would be.”

And that is ok.

These thoughts come & go. And I am aware that it is my brain wanting to go back to what is safe & normal. It is my brain finding every reason to want to protect me from this “danger” of this change.

A BIG move comes with BIG feelings.

And we are in the thick of it.

And I don’t know how long it will last but I know that living in one place for the majority of my life was a LONG damn time - just like we don’t gain weight overnight or lose it overnight - this will also take time.

In in my personal coaching sessions, I am working on not telling myself that I SHOULD be back to my work routine or I SHOULD to be showing up differently or my days SHOULD look like they were BEFORE.

Our life is not like it was before. It is different.

I am learning to give myself grace & compassion for where I am in this moment.

I am slowly allowing myself to be ok with not being in my normal energy at THIS exact stage in life.

Instead of arguing with myself telling myself I SHOULD be somewhere else right now - I am trying to find compassion for the woman who launched a new business in April, then moved across the country in June & put her business on hold while she is figuring out her new norm.

It is hard. I am not perfect. Some days I am harder on myself than others but I am starting to notice it more & find the grace & compassion before SHOULDING all over myself.

I am accepting that it is ok to fall apart sometimes. Tacos fall apart & we still love them. Right?!