It has been month.

1 month since we got on a plane & said peace out STL, hello California.

And it has been THE LONGEST MONTH EVER.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about going home.

I literally have dreams about our house in STL.

Or about the new family in “my home.”

For real, I had a dream that they were doing a Lego themed bathroom designed by my previous employer & that they put an enclosed patio on the side of the house.

I have waves of thoughts that my brain LOVES to offer me….

“When is this over, I am done with vacation now.”

“WTF was I thinking?!”

“I am sick of being with my family.”

“People say this is good for your marriage…HOW?!”

“I wonder what would happen if I just got in my car & drove home.”

And then I have these weird moments that feel REAL AF & I picture us pulling into our home in St. Louis like nothing changed. Literally, as I was packing us up from the hotel at Disneyland, I had a moment where I forgot that the home I am going to is not the one I was envisioning.

THIS is my home right now.

But I am still grieving all that I left behind & had thought “would be.”

And that is ok.

These thoughts come & go. And I am aware that it is my brain wanting to go back to what is safe & normal. It is my brain finding every reason to want to protect me from this “danger” of this change.

A BIG move comes with BIG feelings.

And we are in the thick of it.

And I don’t know how long it will last but I know that living in one place for the majority of my life was a LONG damn time - just like we don’t gain weight overnight or lose it overnight - this will also take time.

In in my personal coaching sessions, I am working on not telling myself that I SHOULD be back to my work routine or I SHOULD to be showing up differently or my days SHOULD look like they were BEFORE.

Our life is not like it was before. It is different.

I am learning to give myself grace & compassion for where I am in this moment.

I am slowly allowing myself to be ok with not being in my normal energy at THIS exact stage in life.

Instead of arguing with myself telling myself I SHOULD be somewhere else right now - I am trying to find compassion for the woman who launched a new business in April, then moved across the country in June & put her business on hold while she is figuring out her new norm.

It is hard. I am not perfect. Some days I am harder on myself than others but I am starting to notice it more & find the grace & compassion before SHOULDING all over myself.

I am accepting that it is ok to fall apart sometimes. Tacos fall apart & we still love them. Right?!

The reality of change: it ain’t easy.

And sometimes all of your thoughts about said change leave you with tears running down your face in public.

Change is amazing AND hard. And we ALL tend to avoid it for that reason.

Our brains are wired for safety. When something is new & different, our brains get protective AF.

Go back.

Turn around!

THREAT!

Danger ahead!

This is from YEARS of wiring, like I’m talking back to caveman days. (Google it.)

It wants us to do what we know. What is safe and normal.

In other words:

DO NOT CHANGE anything.

REMAIN the same!

Which is exactly why right now my brain is offering me these thoughts among others:

Let’s go back to STL.

I want to go back home [so that I don’t have to deal with the hard parts of change not only for myself but with my kids].

The best & also not super easy thing for me to do to work through this transition is accept ALL of the emotions without judging myself for feeling them. This takes awareness & compassion. Which if you know the brain, the brain wants to judge! But I can’t be mad at myself for wanting to turn around & go home AND process the sadness.

So I remind myself, nothing has gone wrong here.

During certification I learned about feeling ALL the feelings & how it is like carrying a heavy bag (of emotions) on your shoulder for as long as it takes. It is a learned skill but once you nail it, you can change your relationship with yourself and with those around you. Less reactive. More observant.

The reality for most of us is, we want to be happy ALL of the time so we avoid discomfort that may lead to growth & achieving our dreams. But what if we accepted that there is a balance of both negative and positive emotions - that is what our human experience is about.

You wouldn’t know happiness without experiencing sadness.

You can’t feel joy without knowing pain.

The goal is humanness. And that human experience involves LOTS of contrast on purpose.

I am choosing humanness over happiness.

Life isn’t meant to be JUST rainbows & unicorns .

What have you been avoiding because you don’t want to feel discomfort?

Or resisting because you think you should be happy 100% of the time?

1 Month in Cali

Cross Country Move