Your spouse is NOT your golden ticket to happiness...

Meet the younger, less “aware” versions of us…

Veruca Salt (aka: the emotional child).
The people pleaser.

Guess who WAS who?!

I thought he had my golden ticket to happiness.
And at first, he genuinely wanted to do whatever it took to get me that ticket. He thought his main goal in life was to make me happy.

But EVERY TIME I relied on him to do something to make me happy…it was short lived.
I was never satisfied ENOUGH.
I expected more.

And if things didn’t go my way, I’d get all angry like Vercua. “I want it now!” (Hello unrealistic expectations.)

He kept saying yes, even when, deep down, it was NOT a genuine YES anymore.
Little by little without him realizing it, he was building up & holding in resentment for me in a way that led to him just being angry. A lot.

I thought, if I can change HIM, this can work. So I tried to control his behavior. I wanted him to be less angry. It was obviously “ruining” our relationship. (FYI folks, you can not, I repeat, can not change other people.)

We weren’t really aware that this is how we were showing up in our relationship.
We both blamed each other.
But we also didn’t REALLY talk about it.
If we did argue, it was a shit ton of blaming & yelling, with very little resolution.
Our favorite activity as a couple was to sweep problems under the rug.
It was a mountain of a fucking rug.

We were both miserable & neither one of us realized WE were both the problem.
He couldn’t figure out how to make me happy + he had anger issues.
And I never took responsibility for how I felt.

So what changed?

He realized he was done compromising what he wanted, ALL OF THE TIME, in order to try to make me happy.
And I started taking responsibility for my own damn emotions.
Then there was less tension. Less anger. Not perfect, but WAY better.
And from that place, we were able to be reasonable human beings & talk.

We both realized he wasn’t my golden ticket.
I had it all along.
And as much as I resented him for it at first, he had to stop doing every single thing for me, in order for me to figure that out for myself.

Long story short: Own your happiness. And don’t lose sight of who you are just to please those around you.

Wait..my husband doesn't read my mind?

“I wish my hubs would just plan an entire evening, take me out & I don’t even have to ask…”

You’ve said it, right?

Then, a holiday or special occasion rolls around & he hasn’t read your mind…you get all pissy that your date night (that you made up in your head but didn’t tell anyone about), didn’t happen.

You pout.

You get irritated with him.

And he has NO CLUE what he did wrong.

Or you do this…

You drop hints hoping he will get it & then, NOTHING.

No date night. Like ever. Planned.

And again, you pout.

You get irritated with him & he still has NO CLUE what he did wrong.

Hear me out…what if you:

1. STATE exactly what you would like & IF he wants, he can plan the date night. Like we tell our kids…“USE YOUR (DAMN) WORDS.” Keep in mind, you can request what you want, but he is a grown ass adult, he may not WANT to do it. And get this, that is ok…because you have a second option.

2. Just plan it yourself? I planned our date tonight. I knew what I wanted, I asked if he was in & then I set it up. Get this shit…we both had a GREAT evening.

Men are NOT mind readers. And you know what you want BETTER than anyone else.

I get it, trust me.

BEEN THERE.

We think they should know that we want candy & flowers on Valentine’s Day or that we WANT them to plan date night for our anniversary. We think that if we tell them, it is not the same or it doesn’t count. But he is not going to GUESS what you want.

And I can tell you that not once during our date night did the thought run through my mind that he didn’t care about me enough because HE didn’t take the time to plan our night out.

Do you always know what he wants? Prob not.

Think of how much less disappointment there would be if you just SAID what you wanted. Or if you just took control of the things you wanted & dropped the expectation that he has to do it all (& without being told…)!

“On my birthday, I would love….”

“For our anniversaries, it would be awesome if….”

And if you’re mad about not getting something you didn’t ask for, don’t be mad at your husband because YOU never clearly stated what you wanted.

Just bc they MAY have gotten shit right every now & then without you having to tell them EXACTLY what you want doesn’t make them mind readers - nor does it mean they don’t love you when they don’t meet the expectations you have in your brain (that you kept to yourself)…